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  • Writer's pictureMistress Marlena

(This was from an interview I did last month with SimplySexy Magazine )

SimplySxy:  What are your personal views towards kink and BDSM? My formal training background is in somatic sex therapy, 'dark' tantra and sexual healing. I evolved my sessions to go deeper and explore the “shadow” side of sexuality. I added elements of bondage, sensory deprivation, sensation play, and the psychological aspect of kink, fantasy and role playing to my sessions. When people think of a dominatrix archetype, they think ‘mean, cold, cruel’. I am naturally sensual, sexy and playful but I always remain in a dominant role. Many of my students don’t identify as submissive or kinky, so part of my work is getting into their head to see what makes them tick. My work is part psychotherapist and personal trainer. Erotic embodiment starts in the mind. Being pushed out of our comfort zones is where we grow. What is sensual domination and what do you enjoy about it? Many believe “sensual domination” is a focus on pleasure instead of pain. But what if bringing someone to the edge of their pain and pushing their boundaries to submit and let go makes it pleasurable? What if being “punished” meant you had to give up control and give it to another, but at the same time knowing they would not break your boundaries and really hurt you? What I personally enjoy about sensual domination is pushing my students boundaries (not crossing them), giving them pain, pleasure and a thousand other feelings and sensations they’ve never experienced. After 90 minutes strapped down to my table, deprived of their senses and taking them on a sensation roller coaster, most of my students are speechless when the session is over. I think many experience a spiritual awakening they can’t get from talk therapy or even sex with a partner. I love being able to give them something the’ve never experienced, and it often opens the doors to new sexual explorations. Why do subs enjoyed this kink and how do they describe the experience they go through? A true submissive is someone who gets pleasure from my pleasure, so I tell them what I like and they naturally enjoy giving. I love subs that love servitude! My favorite submissive students are foot and pantyhose fetishists. I love having my feet massaged and legs stroked over my stockings. I also love role playing with ‘sissy boys’ and seeing them dressed as slutty girls. If it’s something that turns me on, it turns them on, so it’s not really humiliation or punishment. How does sensation play get incorporated into sensual domination? Before I blindfold and place my student in bondage, we talk about what they want to learn, role play or simply let go of their thoughts completely. We go over boundaries, safe words, mutual trust, etc. We do a submission ritual and I ask them to let go of control, trust me to guide them on a journey and bring them home safely. I use all types of sensation, not just floggers and paddles. When we deprive the senses (eyes and ears), other senses get heightened. I often use essential oil scents in the air. The touch of my nails lightly my caressing their backside, then it might turn into a spank. I use metal and glass objects (cold sensations), hot stones, intense vibrators, sex toys, feathers, fur, leather, silk. Even forks and toothbrushes might be used. I think of my students’ body as my canvas, and I get to use my brushes to creatively express myself while responding to their reactions. I also enjoy adding prostate massage, dildos and strap on play (if agreed upon before the session.) Endorphins are heightened, and they begin to relax and accept they’re helpless and vulnerable. I think most men have the ‘happy ending’ in the front of their minds when we start the session as that’s what they associate being naked on a table with an attractive woman touching them, but that’s not anything I promise. The session is about please ME, I have to remind them. The more they push for that, the more fun it is to tease and make them beg. Every session is unique, and I might free up one arm to let a student masturbate if they beg and plead, but ejaculation is never the goal of a session. For those who have never been involved in a sensual domination and sensation play before, what should they know or expect before going into it? If hiring a professional dominant, don’t expect a hand job. If that’s your goal, see an erotic massage provider. Remember, you are there to serve the Goddess first. Find professionals who’ve been around a few years and have a reputation. Look at their social media accounts, read their website and blog posts. You don’t want to be tied up or mind-fucked by someone you can’t trust. Before emailing them, read their website well. I can’t stress this enough! If you ask questions that are clearly on her website, you’ve already shown her that you’re going to be a difficult student. Write to her as if you were trying to land your dream job position. Would you email your potential new boss, ‘U avail now for work? How much u pay?” If she has a gift wish list or a way to tip her online, do it! It shows us you’re serious and you really like to serve. Little things can go a long away in making a good or bad first impression. Always shower right before the session and really clean between those butt cheeks and balls with a soap and a wash cloth! If you’re coming straight from work, ask her before the session if you can use her shower (but note that time may come out of your session time.) If you want to any kind of ass play or prostate massage (and she offers it), I recommend a few hours before your session cleaning out the lower part of your anal cavity with a few squirts of warm water. You can lie on the floor and use an old-school hot water bottle with a douche attachment (always use lukewarm water); or a powerful hand-held shower massager for a few seconds; or just a plastic water bottle (get into a doggie style position with your ass way up in the tub while you gently squeeze a few ounces of warm water, then let the water flow out.) This is for just cleaning the lower colon. If you want to take a really big toy or get pegged (strap-on play), you’ll want to do a full colon clean out, which I recommend doing the night before. Even with cleaning, “shit happens” sometimes. I can’t speak for all Dommes, but I don’t shame my students if it happens (but I also don’t offer scat play or diaper fetish play, so if that’s your thing you should let the Domme know beforehand.) You should expect in any kink or BDSM play the RACK tenets: Risk Accepted Consensual Kink. Dommes and subs are in charge of speaking their own boundaries, and at any point during playtime the Domme or sub may stop or alter what they are doing by stating their safe word. After the session is over, doing ‘aftercare’- Checking in with each other, making sure their sub is in a good head space and feeling ok physically (I always remind them to drink lots of water and have a snack if feeling light-headed.) A ‘sub drop’ sadness sometimes happens after dropping from ‘cloud 9’ euphoria and coming back down to earth. I give some time at the end of the session if they need to talk or process their feelings. Above all, expect to be pleasantly surprised and you’ll have an amazing session! —————————————- Mistress M is a sensual dominatrix, certified somatic sex educator and couples’ kink coach. She is available for online sessions worldwide as well as her studio in Portland, Oregon. #sensationplay #sensualdomination #prostatemassage #sexualhealing #sextherapy #portland

A young man contacted me this month who had never seen a professional dominatrix (or any erotic service professionals for that matter.) He said in his introduction he had visited some Asian massage parlors in the past, but he was seeking more of a personal connection and wanted to explore feminine role play and submission. He was earnest to book a session, but his first attempt landed a D minus and his application went into the trash bin.

First mistake, he lied about his name. Then he lied about a reference.

Why do think professional dominatrixes, companions, escorts, tantra massage providers ask for your personal information? We screen and verify who you are for two main reasons:

1) Our safety.

2) To weed out the hundreds of time wasters who have no intention of booking (but do enjoy the free attention and robbing us of our time.) I take all the information on my inquiry form seriously, that’s why I have a check box stating all the information you give me is true before submitting. I charge an application fee as I take the time to verify, contact references and set up a phone interview before the session. I state on my form I never share personal information with anyone and I don’t use an assistant, which means I’m a professional who values discretion and I take privacy seriously.

I understand that every professional screens new clients in their own way. Some will screen with verification sites like P411 or just use a previous provider’s name as a reference. That information is icing on the cake, but I simply require to know your name, the legal name that’s listed on your identification if you're booking an in-person session. If you want to do a session through video, email or phone chat, you just need to fill out my application form stating you’re 21 years of age or older (sometimes I’ll ask applicants to send a copy of their ID with a selfie pic if I’m not confident they're a legal adult. This happened once.)

The earnest young man eventually booked a session after I took pity on him, took the time to point out his mistakes and give him another chance. He apologized profusely, sent in a new application along with the fee and less than 48 hours later he was strapped down to my table wearing my panties and nylons, happy as a little piggy squealing in the mud. Giving us pleasure is so easy: read what we ask for, listen and communicate without making us chase you down for information and you’ll be rewarded handsomely (Snort snort! Squeeeee!)

Tags: Hiring a sex worker, virgin's guide to hiring a prostitute, how to approach a sex worker, why do I need to give my real name to a sex worker, is it legal to hire a sex worker

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